Beyond the Mist

This is hard

Being here

Facing it

Facing this

Acknowledging this

living with this

seeing this

questioning this

confronting this

admitting this

It is hard

I can't handle it

lol

Yh I didn't die

but the weight is just too much

I want to go back to when I could just avoid it

ignore it

pretend it does not exist it

because this hurts

I don't know what hurts more

the realisation that I have always been this way

The awareness that I am a wallflower

that I am just observing and judging

that I am just being a critical sceptic

with no means to an end

I have to look to every phase of this

I can't just skip to the good part

I cant skip the intro nor bloops

My life is the bloop

I feel like I have just awakened from a dream

The pain of waiting on you

the rollercoaster of emotions

Would you or would you not

He loves me, He loves me not

He got me, he doesn't

The reality of my actual feelings and levels of trust

I didn't just block out the bad and uncomfortable past

I didn't just recreate and hope for the idealistic fairytale future

I ignored my present

I acted like it didn't exist

Like it was just a figment of my imagination

Damn

I don't know if this is scary or sad

lol

this is weird because

I am too aware of my reality to say I am lost

Learning to clear out the fog of fear and dread

It is clear now

but it is so clear I am forced to take the heavy step forward

I think I will be lying if I say its faith and praise

But there is faith and praise

So all I think I can do in the midst of this

Stay alert

Stay aware

Eyes wide opened

Set on You

Believing You

that there is joy, glory and hope

And the only truth is that You love me

You are with me

Especially now

That You are with me

Already Graced

I am Graced